50 Questions You’ve Always Wanted to Ask About Sex
Contents
2. Pleasure, technique and compatibility
4. Bodily discomfort and physical and mental changes
5. Relationships, trust and emotional intimacy
General sex questions
1. How often do most couples have sex?
Everyone wants a number, but I don’t think that’s the most useful question. You can have sex five times a week and still feel disconnected, or once every couple of weeks and feel wonderfully close. Rather than asking, “Are we having enough sex?” I’d be asking, “Are we enjoying the sex we’re having?” I have seen couples who have sex often but feel lonely inside it, and couples who have sex less often but meet each other with such presence that the room changes. Every relationship is different. And I’d much rather see a couple enjoying each other once a month than dutifully having sex three times a week. Related reading: Relationship Flatline and Make It Great Again
2. Is it normal for one’s sex drive to change over time?
Completely normal. Life changes, and so does desire. Stress, work, kids, health, hormones, and the quality of your relationship can all have an impact. That doesn’t automatically mean something’s wrong.
Rather than panicking, I’d encourage you to get curious. What’s changed? What’s happening beneath the surface? Understanding why your desire has shifted is usually much more helpful than worrying that it has. Related reading: Dealing with Feeling
3. Why do I have a lower libido than I used to?
Libido changes for all sorts of reasons. Stress, health, hormones, diet, work, relationship dynamics, and even lack of sleep can all have an impact. If it’s a sudden or persistent change, it’s worth speaking to your doctor. But I’d also encourage you to look at the bigger picture. In my experience, libido is often a reflection of what’s going on beneath the surface. Are you exhausted? Resentful? Numb? Overstimulated? Under-touched? Living in your head all day? Sex is connected to everything. Related reading: Sex and Intimacy Coaching for Men
4. Why does my partner want sex more or less than I do?
Because you are two different nervous systems, two histories, two bodies, two erotic languages, and two people carrying different meanings around sex. One person may use sex to feel close; the other may need to feel close before sex opens. One may be assertive; the other may be responsive. One may need adventure; the other may need safety. The problem is not so much the difference. The problem is what couples often do with the difference: pressure, withdrawal, resentment, bargaining, or silent scorekeeping. The more useful move is to translate: What does sex give to each of you? What conditions make having sex a challenge? What helps the body say yes? Related reading: Ladies: How to Talk to Your Man About Sex
5. What are healthy ways to manage mismatched sex drives?
Start by dropping the judge and jury. Nobody is guilty for wanting more and nobody is guilty for wanting less. Mismatched desire becomes poisonous when it turns into a case being argued: “You always reject me!” vs. “You always pressure me!”’ A better conversation begins with ownership: “Here is what I miss. Here is what scares me. Here is where I shut down. Here is what helps me open.” Then create small, repeatable ways of rebuilding touch and sensuality without making every moment of contact a referendum on sex. Related reading: Talk to Your Man About Sex and Relationship Flatline
6. How can we renew desire in a long-term relationship?
More often than not, life gets in the way. Work, kids, stress, routines… before you know it, you’ve become brilliant business partners, parents, and housemates, but you’ve forgotten how to be lovers! So start by getting curious about each other again. Go on dates. Flirt. Laugh together. Touch each other without it always leading to sex. And don’t be afraid to have honest conversations about what’s changed, because pretending everything’s fine rarely brings the spark back. Related reading: Make It Great Again
7. Is it normal to sometimes not feel sexually attracted to my partner?
Absolutely. If you’ve been together for years, you’re probably not going to look at each other every single day like it’s your first date—and that’s okay. The important thing is to learn to manage your anxiety when attraction dips. More often than not, it’s trying to tell you something. Maybe life’s become too busy. Maybe you’ve drifted into being great housemates but forgotten how to be lovers. Maybe there’s hurt or resentment that’s been sitting quietly in the background for a little too long. Instead of asking, “Where did the attraction go?” I’d be asking, “What’s changed?” That’s usually a much more interesting conversation. Related reading: Make It Great Again
8. How do I talk to my partner about sex without feeling awkward?
You make it less awkward by not waiting until the bedroom is already tense. Sex conversations go badly when they happen only during rejection, disappointment, or crisis. Try talking when clothes are on, nobody is being asked to perform, you’re both feeling safe, and there’s plenty of time. Lead with appreciation before correction. Say what you want more of, not just what you want less of. And speak from your own experience: “I miss feeling close to you” lands very differently than “You never want me.” Awkward is not your enemy! But silence almost always is. Related reading: Talk to Your Man About Sex and Coaching Men: A Direct Approach to Intimacy and Sexuality
9. How do I tell my partner I’m not satisfied sexually?
Very carefully, and with a lot of kindness. Don’t just drop a grenade in the middle of your relationship and call it honesty. The goal is to invite the two of you into a better experience. Try: “I love being close to you, and I want us to have an even more satisfying sexual connection. Can we talk about what we both want more of?” That kind of honesty and vulnerability is a great starting point. And please: Don’t make your partner the problem! Make the current pattern the thing you are both learning to improve. Related reading: Sex and Relationship Coaching
10. How do I ask for what I want in bed?
Many people are secretly hoping their partner will become a mind reader, because asking for what you want feels too exposing. But a mature erotic life requires the ability to say, “I like this. Slower. Harder. Stay there. Less of that. I want more tenderness. I want more fire.” The key is to make requests without sounding critical and to receive your partner’s requests without collapsing. This can be easier said than done! Related reading: The Multi-Orgasmic Lover GOLD Program, especially the modules on confidence, self-awareness and asking for what you want.
Pleasure, technique and compatibility
11. How can I be better at sex?
I’d actually start by asking what you mean by “better.” Technique has its place, but I’ve found that the best lovers aren’t the ones trying to remember a list of tactics. They’re the ones who are present, curious and paying attention to the person in front of them. Yes: Learn about bodies. Learn about arousal. But don’t forget to actually listen, and then act on what you’ve been listening to! Great sex isn’t about performing perfectly—it’s about creating an experience that you both enjoy. Related reading: From Pleasing to Feeling and Become a Rocket Scientist of Pussy
12. How do I know what my partner enjoys?
Ask, observe, listen, and stop assuming one great moment gives you a permanent map. Bodies change. Moods and desires change. A touch that is perfect one night may be too much the next. Your partner’s pleasure is not a puzzle you solve once and put on a shelf! It is a living conversation. Pay attention to the obvious signals and the subtle ones. Does the body soften or brace? Does breath deepen or disappear? Does your partner move toward you or simply tolerate you? And when in doubt, ask in a way that keeps things warm rather than clinical. Related reading: How to See Women for Who They Are and Pleasure Her Energy Pathways
13. How can I make sex feel less routine?
You don’t always need new positions or new tricks to make sex exciting again. More often, you just need to stop running on autopilot. Flirt more. Laugh more. Slow down. Build anticipation before you even get to the bedroom. You’d be surprised…simple presence can often be more exciting than a new toy or a sexy outfit. Related reading: Relationship Flatline
14. How can we make sex more passionate again?
Passion disappears when people become too careful, resentful, tired, or predictable. And kind of like your phone, passion needs to be recharged from time to time. So how do you recharge it? Tell your partner what you miss. Tell them what still turns you on. Ask them what they miss. Flirt again. Surprise each other. Do something different enough that your relationship stops running on autopilot. Related reading: Sexual Interruptors and It’s Time for Some Squirrel Sex
15. How do I become more confident sexually?
Here are four ways: 1. Learn more about how your body works. 2. Learn how to manage your arousal instead of letting it manage you. 3. Learn how to communicate with your partner. 4. Learn how to laugh when something doesn’t go according to plan instead of treating it like a disaster. The more skills you develop, the less you rely on hope—and that’s where real confidence starts! Related reading: Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety and Sex and Intimacy Coaching for Men
16. How can I feel more comfortable with my body during sex?
Most of us have an inner commentator that likes to show up at the worst possible time. “How do I look? I probably shouldn’t have eaten that garlic and onion pizza 😫” Find something else to focus on. Like your breathing. The feeling in your belly or chest. Or really experiencing your partner’s touch. Stay with those sensations rather than the commentary in your head. The less time you spend judging yourself, the more freedom your body will have to relax and enjoy the experience. Related reading: From Pleasing to Feeling
17. Why do I struggle to relax during sex?
Because sex is vulnerable. Your body may be naked, but the deeper exposure is emotional. What if I am not wanted? What if I disappoint? What if I lose control? What if I want too much? We all know that internally yelling “Relax!” has the complete opposite effect. Instead, try creating enough safety, breath, patience and permission for the nervous system to unclench. Related reading: The MultiOrgasmic Lover GOLD Program and Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety
18. Why do I get distracted or overthink during sex?
The mind often rushes in when the body feels exposed. It tries to manage the situation: Am I hard enough? Wet enough? Taking too long? Going too fast? Doing this right? Overthinking is usually a (totally annoying) protection strategy by your brain. But if you can gently bring attention back to breath, sound, touch, eye contact and sensation, then you can usually kick yourself out of it. If you’re a meditator, you know how to gently recall your attention when you’re sitting on the cushion. Just make this like a sexual meditation! Related reading: Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety
19. How do I know if we are sexually compatible?
Sexual compatibility is not only about wanting the same things. It is about whether you can talk about differences without shaming, collapsing or trying to dominate each other. Two people can have different styles and still create a beautiful erotic life if they are curious and generous. Likewise, two people can have similar desires and still create misery if they lack maturity. Ask: “Do we respect each other’s erotic language? Can we repair awkward moments? Can we stay kind when we want different things?” Related reading: The Three Sex Styles and The Sexually Integrated Man
20. What makes someone a good sexual partner?
A good sexual partner cares about their own pleasure and yours. They can be direct without being crude, tender without being timid, powerful without being careless, and playful without being disconnected. They can listen. They can ask. They can recover from awkwardness. They understand that a body is not a machine and a partner is not a conquest. I think the best lovers have a beautiful combination of courage, sensitivity and animal aliveness. Related reading: How to See Women for Who They Are
Orgasm and arousal
21. Why can’t I orgasm during sex?
There are any number of possible causes: pressure, medication, alcohol, anxiety, trauma history, relationship tension, reduced sensation, too much performance focus, or simply not enough of the right kind of stimulation. If it is sudden, persistent, painful, or connected to medication or health changes, bring in a medical professional. But also look at the emotional pattern. Are you trying to orgasm for your partner so they feel successful? Are you leaving your own pleasure to manage theirs? Orgasm can be like a wild deer: It often gets shy when it is being chased. Pleasure tends to open when it is gently welcomed. Related reading: From Pleasing to Feeling
22. Why can I orgasm alone but not with a partner?
Because when you’re alone, there’s no pressure to be seen, to manage another person’s feelings, or experiencing the fear of taking too little or too long. With a partner, your nervous system has more to process. That does not mean you are broken. It means partnered sex asks for relaxation, trust, communication and the ability to receive while being witnessed. The path is not to force the body to duplicate solo sex. It is to create enough safety and honesty that pleasure can stay aware and online with another human being present. Related reading: Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety and From Pleasing to Feeling
23. Why does it take me a long time to orgasm?
Honestly, sometimes taking a long time is not a problem at all! I think the problem is the meaning people attach to it. If it becomes “I am failing” or “My partner is getting bored”’ or “something is wrong with me,” then the pressure builds and orgasm moves further away. Of course, if this is new, frustrating, or connected to medication, sensation changes, pelvic pain, hormones, or health issues, then yes, you should get medical support. But emotionally speaking, the key is to stop turning orgasm into a kind of proof of success. Let the experience be bigger than the finish. Related reading: The Multi-Orgasmic Lover GOLD Program
24. Is it normal to not orgasm every time?
Yes. Sex does not have to end with an orgasm to be real sex, good sex, or complete sex. Orgasms can be wonderful, but when it becomes the only acceptable ending, the whole encounter gets narrowed. Many people miss enormous amounts of pleasure because they are focused on the finish line instead of inhabiting the experience. This is especially important for couples who are trying to heal pressure in the bedroom. Take orgasming off its throne for a while and see what else the body wants to reveal: warmth, surrender, laughter, tenderness, animal hunger, closeness, relief. Related reading: From Pleasing to Feeling
25. How can women orgasm more easily?
In general, women take longer to reach orgasm than men. For a lot of women, orgasm arrives more easily when there is emotional safety, enough time, less pressure, clear communication, arousal that builds gradually, and stimulation that actually matches what their body desires. Anatomical knowledge matters, yes, but so does context. A partner who acts like a hurried technician in the bedroom will likely miss the deeper invitation. But a partner who brings attention, curiosity and patience has a much better chance of meeting the real woman in front of them. Related reading: Become a Rocket Scientist of Pussy and Pleasure Her Energy Pathways
26. Why do some women have difficulty reaching orgasm?
Sometimes it’s physical or hormonal. Sometimes it’s related to medication, stress, trauma, or the quality of the relationship. One thing I do see quite often, though, is pressure. The moment she starts feeling like she has to orgasm, it can become much harder to relax and enjoy the experience. So, rather than making orgasm the goal, try creating an experience where the focus is just on connection, curiosity, and pleasure. I will say though, if there’s been a sudden change, pain, numbness, or ongoing distress, it’s also important to speak with a qualified healthcare professional. Related reading: Talk to Your Man About Sex
27. Why do some men finish too quickly?
There are lots of reasons a man might ejaculate sooner than he’d like. Sometimes it’s anxiety. Sometimes it’s excitement. And sometimes it’s a nervous system that has never been trained to ride arousal in waves instead of rushing toward release. The worst thing you can do is hate yourself for it, because shame is just throwing gasoline on the fire. Instead, learn how to work with your body. Breathing, relaxation, managing your arousal, and applying proven practices when you’re getting close to the point of no return are all skills that can be learned. The more you practice them, the more control and confidence you’ll naturally build. Related reading: The Multi-Orgasmic Lover GOLD Program and Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety
28. How can someone last longer during sex?
Lasting longer is a whole-body skill. Most men try to last longer by clenching, distracting themselves, or thinking unsexy thoughts. Those “band-aid” measures may delay ejaculation, but let’s be honest, they totally kill pleasure and connection. A better path is to learn how arousal rises, how your body holds and releases tension, how to most effectively use your breath, and how to circulate energy away from your genitals as arousal peaks. Related reading: The MultiOrgasmic Lover GOLD Program
29. Why do men sometimes lose erections during sex?
Erections are not evidence of moral character! Erections are about blood flow, nervous system status, arousal, emotional state, health, medication, stress, hormones, relationship dynamics, and the meaning a man makes in the moment. And yet, one lost erection can become a whole tragic opera if a guy decides it proves something about his manhood. 😅 This leads to the next sexual encounter carrying unnecessary pressure, and pressure is not exactly friendly to your erection. If erection changes are sudden, persistent, or health-related, then of course you should see a doctor. But at the emotional level, your job should be to focus on presence. Related reading: Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety
30. What causes performance anxiety?
Performance anxiety usually begins when sex becomes a test you need to pass. Can I get hard? Can I last? Can I make them orgasm? There are lots of reasons those thoughts show up. Sometimes it’s one bad experience that shattered your confidence. Maybe it’s pressure in the relationship, unrealistic expectations from porn, shame, or the belief that your worth depends on how well you perform. The good news is that performance anxiety isn’t something you have to live with. With the right support, practical skills, and a different approach to sex, it’s absolutely something you can overcome. Related reading: Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety
Bodily discomfort, and physical and mental changes
31. Why does sex hurt?
Pain is information, not something to bulldoze through. It may come from dryness, pelvic floor tension, infection, inflammation, endometriosis, menopause, postpartum changes, anxiety, lack of arousal, trauma, or many other medical and emotional factors. If sex hurts, pause the penetration or the activity that hurts, and get curious rather than heroic. Arousal, lubrication, pace and communication matter, but persistent pain deserves medical support from someone qualified. Related reading: Talk to Your Man About Sex
32. What can cause vaginal dryness?
Vaginal dryness can be connected to arousal, hormones, menopause, breastfeeding, stress, medications, dehydration, certain health conditions, or simply moving too quickly before the body is ready. It is not a personal failure and it is not proof that attraction has disappeared. But it is worth respecting and understanding. Use good communication, more time, appropriate lubricant, and a slower build. If dryness is persistent, painful, new, or distressing, speak with a healthcare professional. And don’t forget, the emotional piece matters too: A body that feels rushed, judged or obligated may not open easily. Related reading: Dealing with Feeling
33. What can cause pain during penetration?
Pain during penetration can have many causes: dryness, insufficient arousal, pelvic floor tension, infections, scar tissue, menopause, childbirth-related changes, medical conditions like vulvodynia, trauma responses, or simply a pace that ignores the body’s readiness. Stop, slow down, communicate, and get proper medical guidance if the pain continues or is significant. A loving partner does not take your pain personally and does not attempt to push you through it. Sometimes the most erotic thing a couple can do is listen to the body before forcing a plan on it. Related reading: Talk to Your Man About Sex
34. Why does sex feel different after childbirth?
Because everything is different after childbirth: the body, hormones, sleep, identity, attention, sensitivity, time, the relationship, and often the emotional meaning of being touched. Many couples make the mistake of trying to return to the old sexual rhythm too quickly. A wiser approach is to build a new one with patience, medical clearance, tenderness and honest conversation. The postpartum body deserves reverence, not pressure! And the partner who wants to be desired again has to become safe, helpful and emotionally available, not just sexually interested. Related reading: Relationship Flatline
35. How does menopause affect sex?
Menopause can affect sex through changes in hormones, lubrication, tissue sensitivity, sleep, mood, desire, arousal, and orgasm. For some women, desire decreases. For others, sex becomes freer once pregnancy is no longer a concern. If there is pain, dryness, bleeding, distress or major changes, medical guidance should be sought. Relationally, menopause asks couples to stop relying on old assumptions and start listening again. The body may need more time, more lubrication, more tenderness, more directness, or a completely different kind of erotic invitation. Related reading: Make It Great Again
36. How does stress affect libido and arousal?
Stress and great sex don’t make good bedfellows. When you’re stressed, your body is focused on getting through the day, solving problems and keeping all the plates spinning. It’s not exactly thinking, “Now seems like a great time for sex.” That’s why it’s so common for stress to affect your libido, your erections, or even your ability to orgasm. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you—it means your body’s priorities have shifted. The answer isn’t to put more pressure on yourself. It’s to find ways to reduce the stress, reconnect with your partner, and give your body the chance to relax again. Sometimes the best foreplay is simply leaving work at work! Related reading: Dealing with Feeling and Sex and Intimacy Coaching for Men
37. Can medication affect sex drive?
Yes. Many medications can affect desire, arousal, erection, lubrication, sensation, orgasm or ejaculation. Antidepressants, blood pressure medications, hormonal medications and others can all play a role. Do not stop or change medication on your own, and do not treat a sexual side effect as a character flaw. Talk with your prescribing clinician. There may be options, timing adjustments, alternative medications, or supportive strategies. At the same time, keep the conversation with your partner clear and shame-free: “Something is happening in my body, and I want us to face it together.” That is very different from disappearing or pretending nothing is wrong. Related reading: See how popular meds like Ozempic are changing sexual habits
38. Can depression or anxiety affect sexual desire?
Absolutely. Depression can flatten desire, pleasure and energy. Anxiety can make sex feel like a setting where something bad might happen. Both depression and anxiety can affect the body directly and also change the way a person relates to touch, closeness and being seen. This is the time for compassion and appropriate support, not blame. Depending on the situation, therapy, medical care, coaching, lifestyle changes and relational honesty may all play a role. Sex is not separate from the rest of a human life! When the heart and nervous system are suffering, the bedroom often tells the truth. Related reading: Coaching Men: A Direct Approach to Intimacy and Sexuality
39. When should I see a doctor about sexual problems?
See a doctor when the change is sudden, painful, persistent, distressing, connected to medication, or accompanied by bleeding, numbness, erection changes, pelvic pain, urinary symptoms, hormonal changes, or major shifts in mood or energy. Getting checked out isn’t something to be embarrassed about—it’s the sensible thing to do. Sometimes there’s a physical cause that can be treated, and sometimes everything checks out medically, which gives you a clearer place to start exploring the emotional or relationship side of things. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Related reading: Sex and Relationship Coaching
40. Are changes in sexual performance normal with age?
Of course. Bodies change. Arousal may take longer. Erections may be less firm or frequent. Lubrication may lessen. But age does not mean the death of your sex life! In many ways, age can make sex richer because people become less performative and more honest about what actually matters. The question is whether you are willing to adapt to what’s current and true rather than cling to your younger body’s criteria. Mature sexuality can be deeper, more relaxed, more emotionally connected and more pleasurable than the sprint of youth. 😉 Related reading: The Multi-Orgasmic Lover GOLD Program and Sex and Relationship Coaching
Relationships, trust and emotional intimacy
41. How do we rebuild intimacy after a dry spell?
A dry spell usually has a story behind it. Ask yourselves what led to it in the first place. Was it stress? Kids? Work? Resentment? Health? Then focus on the little things again. Flirt. Hold hands. Kiss for a little longer. Spend time together without every moment of affection having to lead to sex. As you start feeling closer emotionally, physical intimacy often follows naturally. Related reading: Relationship Flatline
42. How do we reconnect sexually after having kids?
Having kids changes just about everything—including your sex life. You’re more tired, you’ve got less time, and it’s easy to forget how to be lovers because you’re so busy being parents. The important thing is to manage any frustrations that arise. Don’t assume it’s always going to be this way. Start making time for each other again, even if it’s just small moments of connection. Touch each other as lovers again, not just as co-managers of a very full life. Flirt. Hug. Kiss. Go on a date. And if you need to, go ahead and schedule sex. It might not sound very romantic, but it can be surprisingly effective. Most of all, make the bedroom a refuge from pressure, not another place to perform. Related reading: Make It Great Again
43. How do we rebuild sex after cheating?
Slowly, honestly, and without using sex as a shortcut around the pain that’s been caused. Betrayal injures trust, safety, identity and reality. Some couples rush back into sex to prove they are okay. Others avoid it because the body no longer knows what is safe. Neither response is wrong, but the deeper work will focus on truth, accountability, grief, boundaries and repair. The “betrayer” has to become trustworthy over time, not merely apologetic. The injured partner has to be allowed a real process, not pressured into erotic forgiveness. Professional support can be very valuable here. Related reading: Sex and Relationship Coaching
44. How do I talk about fantasies without scaring my partner?
First, don’t present your fantasy like a demand. Present it as a window into your inner world! “Hey, there’s something I’m curious about” is very different from “I need this or I’ll be unsatisfied.” Reassure your partner that they are allowed to have feelings, questions and boundaries. Then listen. The conversation itself can become intimate if both people stay kind and curious. Also remember that some fantasies are meant to be shared, some explored, some kept as imagination, and some understood symbolically. Mature sexuality does not require acting out everything the mind can imagine. Related reading: The Three Sex Styles
45. Is it normal to have sexual fantasies about other people?
Yes. The erotic imagination is not a courtroom where every image is evidence of betrayal. Many adults have fantasies that do not match their values, their relationship agreements, or what they actually want to do in real life. A fantasy may be about novelty, power, surrender, being desired, being free, being seen, non-consent, or escaping the role you usually carry. The important question is not “How do I make my imagination completely tidy?” It is “How do I relate to my desires with honesty, integrity and compassion?” Related reading: The Sexually Integrated Man
46. How do couples set sexual boundaries?
Boundaries are not the enemy of eroticism. They are part of what makes deeper eroticism possible. A clear Yes is only meaningful when a No is also allowed. Couples set sexual boundaries by talking before the high-charge moment, naming what is welcome, what is not welcome, what is a Maybe, and what needs checking in about. Then each person respects their body in real time. If someone freezes, goes quiet, pulls away or seems absent, slow down and check in. Related reading: Talk to Your Man About Sex
47. How do we explore new sexual adventures safely and respectfully?
Start by having an honest conversation. Talk about what you’re curious about, what you’re comfortable with, and what you’d rather leave off the table. There’s no rush. Take things one step at a time, and keep checking in with each other as you go. If something doesn’t feel right, that’s okay too. Exploring together should bring you closer, not leave either of you feeling pressured. Related reading: The Three Sex Styles and The Multi-Orgasmic Lover GOLD Program.
48. How does porn affect relationships and sex drive?
Porn affects everyone differently, but it can become a problem when it steers arousal away from the real-life partner and toward endless novelty, control, fantasy and frictionless stimulation. It can also create comparison, secrecy, shame, unrealistic expectations and a split in the psyche between sex and intimacy. The question is not simply “Is porn bad?” The better question is: “Is my porn use helping me become more alive, connected and honest, or is it making me more withdrawn, numb and dependent?” If it is the latter, the porn habit deserves a solid dose of loving attention. Related reading: Why Men Shut Down Emotionally in Relationships and Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety
49. Is watching porn while in a relationship okay?
That depends on the relationship, the agreements, the honesty and the effect. For some couples, porn is not a major issue, and even a form of mutual pleasure. For others, it may feel like betrayal, secrecy or abandonment. The problem often is not the porn itself: It is the hiding, minimizing and defensiveness that comes with the territory. What about starting by truly empathizing with the other’s experience? Then have a direct conversation. What feels okay? What feels hurtful? What is porn being used for? Is it replacing intimacy, avoiding vulnerability, or simply part of a consensual erotic life? What are our agreements? The relationship needs truth more than it needs a universal rule. Related reading: Why Men Shut Down Emotionally in Relationships
50. How do I know if my sex life is healthy?
Most people think a healthy sex life is only about how often you have sex or how wild and crazy you get in the bedroom. I don’t. To me, a healthy sex life is also one where you both feel safe, connected, and able to be yourselves in a spontaneous way. You are able to talk honestly, say yes or no without fear, and enjoy sex without it feeling like it’s a performance or an obligation. Perhaps the biggest sign of health is that you and your partner(s) remain curious—about yourselves, about each other, and about how your relationship can continue to grow. I don’t think you need to have all the answers all the time. Simply learning together is enough. Related reading: Apply for Coaching
